Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Your shirt... Was in my pants
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
