true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
