allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
