There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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