FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
