So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
