My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
