Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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