just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
