How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
