It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
