Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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