guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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