i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
