woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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