you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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