Define "chronic" masturbator.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
