Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
