he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
