Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
