thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
