There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
