Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She bit a glass in half.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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