Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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