seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
