you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
