Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
