I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
