1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
