why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
