:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
