she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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