Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
