you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
