believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
