It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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