ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
