tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
