My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
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