just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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