ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
