Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
