I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
