I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
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I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
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HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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