I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
