Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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