I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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