I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
