my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
