she woke up with a sticky ear
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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