So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
