My friends, they love my intelligence
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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