dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
