I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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