I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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