so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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