just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
