Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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