apparently the secret to your success is patron
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
