The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
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Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
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Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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