Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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