I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It's Friday. Sex?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
