I can text with my tongue
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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