there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
